


A Grounded Mind In Love

by aleksa_grey



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Avril Lavigne - Freeform, Break Up, Clarke has a boyfriend, College, Diary/Journal, F/F, Feelings, First Time, Flirting, Fluff and Angst, Freeform, Hurt, Jealousy, Mild Smut, Not a happy ending really, One Shot, POV First Person, Sappy, School, Smol bean lexa, curse word, idk just go with the flow, just try it out, soft smut, virgin lexa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-06
Updated: 2017-06-06
Packaged: 2018-11-09 23:58:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11115621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aleksa_grey/pseuds/aleksa_grey
Summary: Lexa writes in her diary about her time with Clarke.HMU on Tumblr @aleksa_grey





	A Grounded Mind In Love

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER  
> This doesn't necessarily have a happy ending guys. I mean it's not terrible because no one died, but it is kinda shitty and sad. Read with caution.
> 
> HMU on Tumblr @aleksa_grey

**Dear Diary,**

Today’s different, slow, sensual, seductive, the reason for all of these “S’s;” my thoughts. Last night I was pretty much for the most part, all alone with my new person of “interest”. Now here’s the thing, the attraction is there, it’s massive, it’s epic, and it’s singular for it is two of us, but when we’re together it’s sinuous like one.

It’s twisted I know and it’s weird, of that I’m sure, but it’s revelational and it’s a new experience and ‘What the Hell’ according to Avril Lavigne is going to become my new mantra. It’s funny, because though I had originally thought it out, it’s going nowhere according to plan and fuck yes I am thrilled for once.

They say that at times life gives you lemons and you have to make lemonade, well now I’m saying that you ought to stand the fuck up and demand tequila. So this is where my tequila shots begin and whenever I feel the tipsiness coming on, I’m going to dance like there’s no tomorrow, and when I’ve had my last glass for the night, you and I are going to leave the club, curiosities piqued, the freaks in us bursting to let loose and we’re going sate our desires by having another drink, this time of each other.

So back to last night, lol, wait, wait, did I tell you a name? Or even about the person? Shucks! Okay quickly, here goes.

Clarke Griffin.

It sounds like the name of some mythical superman trope, I know. But trust me the name is freaking awesome and the bearer of the name is freaking magnificent. So, I like them short, and she fits that.

Yes! I said she, I told you, this year Lexa Woods, me, is going to be Lexa Woods, no worries, only risks, only the truth, only some fucking crazy stunts that are going to live up to the name ‘Lexa’. I’m going to be a force to reckon with baby!

Anyway, back to Clarke! Intelligent and confident I got just by looking at her for the first time as I sat across from her and then she spoke and I blew my whistle—mind you that I’ve never blown the fucking whistle before. Her voice was strong, solid– her pronunciation and enunciation were spotless and the way her breathing in between her words was timed perfectly.

I had stopped looking in that direction, but her voice, caused me to sit up and pay attention, it grabbed me, it held me and it exuded a commanding yet neutral tone. Her voice did it for me. Her blonde hair was down to her shoulders. It didn’t fall flatly like most, it had body and it framed her face, giving it a portrait like look.

Her eyes were searching, both cold and fiery, interested yet neutral at the same time, there was depth in them, meaning, a profundity that intrigued me— a blue that had me aching for oceans and skies and sapphires. Maybe it was that I couldn’t readily read her that made me keep looking, maybe it was that I was late to class and she’d looked up when I walked in, or maybe it was that she was the only unattached individual in the classroom though she was sitting amongst a group. It could have been all three though, what does it really matter, if I’m taken to court, I’ll just plead the fifth.

I had to introduce myself and be nice about it because I was late, _scoff_ , mind you that I only put up with the teacher because she marks my papers and determines my grades, else I’d have been a total ass about it. The girl had apparently been late too, but earlier than me, because she had to introduce herself as well, go figure that she’d have a sell-off name. It matched her facial features though, the name that is, she looked like an Amazon to me excepting the height, her features being wild and strong, placed evenly across her face to emphasize each distinctive contour. It was intoxicating.

So back to last night, now nothing happened mind you, but the tension was wickedly present and it was fogging up the room. We were walking out to the taxi stand from her room and the path we took, was really, really dark. She entwined her arm with mine and the feel of skin on skin, in the dark, sent anticipation and a million and one thoughts ricocheting through me.

***          *          ***

_We slowed down and I pulled her into a nook in between the wall banking acting as a retaining wall and a tree. She pulled my head down to hers and I pushed her onto the wall, our lips crashing down, and her hands in my hair, mine finding the hem of her skirt and hiking it up._

_I placed my knee in between her thighs, hence I was leaning down on her to keep myself upright, her hands were on my breasts—cupping, squeezing, grabbing—my head dropped to her shoulder and I bit down in the hollow between her shoulder blade and she groaned out and squeezed down on my knee._

_The position changed really quickly, her blouse front opened, her underwear came off and her skirt rose higher. I knelt down and I lifted her leg, placing it over my shoulder and I placed my lips on her genitals and kissed her. It was a mixture of lips and tongue on her pussy and I lapped at her and she grabbed my hair, pulling on it and the more she pulled the more I sucked on her clit._

_It was such a fucking turn on, to first have a girl writhing from my touch and second the pressure she placed on my head from the hair pulling and on my shoulders from her leg which was being lifted even higher as her hand dug into my other shoulder. She was perfectly braced against the wall; my hand was trailing a path up and down her torso, scratching her stomach and circling her navel. We were well hidden in the darkness, but hopefully no one would walk this way because even though they wouldn’t see us, they’d definitely hear us for sure._

_She was panting and making little squealing sounds that set my nerve endings on fire. I looked up at her, replacing my lips with my fingers, and I studied her face, watching the expressions flitter across her face and the pleasure cresting. Her head was thrown back and the length and shape of her neck made my eyes bug out because the sight was making me hornier than I already was._

_She rocked on my fingers, her muscles squeezing, and I increased the pressure loving the little squeals that exited her pretty mouth. Her breathing was sharp and coming in gasps and I sensed that she was on the verge for she was bucking and I could feel the tremors vibrating through her body. I returned my head to its nook, lifting my fingers to her lips, for I wanted her to taste herself as I was tasting her now._

_The first wave hit her and she squealed as I darted my tongue in and around her opening, using my lips to constantly stimulate her clitoris. She gushed down onto my tongue, lips, and mouth. As I sucked at her she grabbed onto my head and released. My fingers dug into her thigh and she squealed._

_She released my head and I slowly kissed my way up her body, swirled my tongue around her navel, made my way to her breasts, sucking on her left nipple, squeezing her right, switching before reaching her neck and biting it, licking her Adam’s apple. Her hands were on me then wild, crazy, heated, frenzied and she grabbed me up to her mouth and captured my mouth._

**Yours with feelings,  
A Grounded Mind In Love.**

***          *          ***

**Dear Diary,**

“You wanna come feed her with me?” Clarke asked me at the end of class as we were packing up our stuff to leave.

“No problem, cool,” I replied, she really liked my company I thought, “you gonna change first? And I ain’t carrying ma bag,”

“Change, but ma baby hungry,” she whined and I grinned grabbing her hand.

“Come on, you gotta change outta di uniform,” I said.

“Alright fine, let’s go,”

We headed off towards her dorm room and getting upstairs, we bumped into each other and touched each other like fifty-umpteen-times. Her roommate was in the room when we got there but what the heck.

Clarke took off her shoes, pulled off her stockings and then she stood behind me, took off her blouse, leaned almost on my back, and threw the blouse onto the bed in front of where I was standing. It took all my willpower not to turn and look at her undress especially since her roomie was there. Anyway, she dressed and we headed off to look for the dog.

We got there and the moment Clarke touched the door, the dog literally went crazy jumping up and down and barking because she was happy to see her. She set the water and food and then we took the dog for a walk. Walk, run, it was much the same because the dog was hyper and Clarke was just as excited. When we got back to the house, she was on her phone and I was stooped down playing with the dog and ruffling her.  
“OMG!” Clarke exclaimed standing over me.

“What?” I asked standing up, “I can be nice to animals when I feel like,”

“No, it’s that she’s quiet,” she clapped her hands and the dog flipped and charged towards her.We spent another ten minutes trying to lock back up the dog, then we washed our hands of the cute lil’ dog, but still a dog nonetheless.

I was standing behind her watching her pack up plastic containers when she just turned into me and kissed me. I was stunned, because even though I sensed it, it still shocked me and wowed me at the same time. Remember I said she was short, well yeah, that factor played a pivotal role in all of this, because I had to be stooping and she was pulling my head to her, but God knows her lips felt extremely soft and pliant against my own and she ran her tongue across my teeth and then I opened my mouth and our tongues engaged and I angled my head for easier access to her mouth.

She tasted sweet, breaking the kiss, I lifted my head and she nipped my neck. I was bouncing on the soles of my shoes and she was smiling at me. She went to say bye-bye to the doggie again and I went and stood by her leaning on the wall off to the side though, and she backs up as I’m about to reach for her hand.

I fully back into the wall and slide down a little so I’m on level with her and we’re there, bottom lip, top lip, bottom lip, and she squeezes my boob and my fingers dig into her back and run up her arm to her neck and back again. Breaking apart the second time left me sighing heavily and she was smiling on my lips. Freaking awesome!

**Yours with feelings,  
A Grounded Mind In Love.**

*          *          *

**Dear Diary,**

I wake Thursday morning to the thought that maybe Wednesday never happened. My fingers instinctively touch my lips and a rush of sensations and scenes flash across my mind. Like I made out with a fucking girl! Unbelievable! The rebel inside of me was whistling away, the freak in my mind was whispering to me to let her out and let her devour and become me. I licked my lips and I felt hers there, the rush was controlling me.

I had only one class today, 11 a.m. – History, and then I was supposed to call her and collect some stuff she had downloaded for me. I decided to wash before going to school, be productive you know considering three weeks’ worth of dirty clothes was not cute. I got to school at 5 minutes past 11.

I was always late for my 11 classes, but fortunately for me today, the class had not yet commenced. I sat in the room, daydreaming about recent events, and picturing future ones. I was completely unaware of my surroundings until the teacher commented on my complexion and I was like WTF!

After class I decided that I would go and get something to eat because I had forgotten to eat breakfast, yes it’s possible, and then go to talk to some people before calling Clarke because I did not want to seem too eager or hyper. When I went into the cafeteria and saw the long lines, I decided that breakfast was not that important that I’d stand and wait on it. I turned my headphones back up and left, walking towards the research buildings.

I heard running feet, panting and I stopped and barely angled my head to see what the hell was going on behind me, surprisingly, and not even so much, there was Clarke running towards me, her hand was almost touching my shoulder when I turned.  
“You know how long I’ve been calling you,” she was flustered and breathing heavily, and I wanted to laugh, but I choked on it.

“Sorry,” I smiled, “I”—pointing to the headphones—“never heard,”

“Hmmmhm, where you going?”

“I was gonna go to research 1,”

“Oh ok, you can come later,”

“Or I can come now,”

“But you were headed somewhere so if you’re busy, you can come later,” I shook my head and grabbed her hand

“Come on, let’s go,”

We headed back in the opposite direction to her room, my head was spinning, and I felt like I was on the verge of saying some stupid shit so I clamped my mouth shut and kept silent, until she closed her room door. I put my bag down and sat on her bed, her roommate was at classes today; she took off her jacket and sat down opposite me, taking up her laptop and telling me about the test she had done this morning and some other class work, at the same time transferring the items to my flash drive.

I was leaning into her as she was typing and trying to convince her that what she was doing was more time consuming than it had to be and she turned towards me and kissed me. My hand reached up to her neck, like an automated response to her lips and it trailed up and down her neck, down her arm and back up.

We both pulled away and she resumed her typing and I drew myself up on the bed, lying down. My mind was jolted, there was a tremor in my lips and there was a stupid smile on my face. She exclaimed that she was finished for now and placed the computer on the chair, lying down as well, so we were still opposite each other.

“You wanna touch my breast?” she asks and immediately my breathing hitches and my response falter and breaks.

“Huh? Wh-a-t?” were the only words that could exit my mouth.

I could not believe she had just said that and she had expected a response for she repeated the question, “I heard you the first time,” I managed to get out.

“I’m just putting it out there,” she responded with a wink.

“And you’re waiting don’t?” it was a running joke we had. She would say something I’d refuse and she’d say that she was waiting.

“Yup,”

I think my face turned beet red, for I did not know how to respond to such a request, like WTF, I’m a thinker and my thoughts were screaming at me to both do it and not do it at the same time.

“Gimme your hand,” she prodded.

“Huh?” and she reached for my hand and placed it on her left breast.

I allowed her to, and it lay there limply for I could not in my right mind bring myself to be that person. I wasn’t bold, I wasn’t nasty, I wasn’t a risk-taker; I was none of those things outside of my mind.  
“You’re supposed to squeeze it, like I didn’t think I’d have to spell that part out,”

This time I was completely mortified and I moved my hand and my entire body and I covered my face with the pillow and tried not to die of embarrassment. She was talking about how I should just go with my feelings and just do and think later not first, not all the time at least. I figured I could give it a try, so I straddled her, her hands were over her face because I’d told her not to look at me earlier, and they moved as my face closed in and we kissed again and then she pulled away.  
“Why’d you do that?” I asked slightly irritated.

“Drum roll, you don’t hear it?” she was laughing her head off and I was getting pissed, so I moved away.

We were like that for some time, laughing and talking; I sat up after sometime looking out the window, she started to shift around too getting her stuff ready for class. It was like there was a force in the room that kept drawing us together, for this time, we both turned into the kiss at the same time, like we knew.

My hand found her neck, hers the inside of my bra and I figured what the hell and squeezed her breast, cupping and weighing it at the same time and decided mentally that I liked the feel of them. Her tongue was plotting a path down my throat and I allowed her to be forceful and in control. I didn’t mind taking a backseat, but the clock would not allow us to drive off today, and we parted.

**Yours with feelings,  
A Grounded Mind In Love.**

*          *          *

**Dear Diary,**

I was jealous today for the first time in a really long time. It was blinding, heart gripping and shocking for its effects were so sudden. It was a reflexive response and uncontrollable, because it just shattered my thought processes and any form of straight and coherent thinking. I felt “whelmed” not overwhelmed or even underwhelmed, just “whelmed”.

It was scary as shit, the sudden rush of emotions that assuaged me and the negative form which they took. What the fuck was wrong with me and why in heavens name was I jealous and over what. The situation was fucked because I actually knew the reason why I felt like I did and the reasoning behind it was stupid. Okay, here goes, because as usual you’re waiting.

We had a moment on Friday, it was more than a moment on my end, it was a helluva good time and the best way I could have thought up to have spent that evening. Kissing, touching, biting, pinching, squeezing, licking, sucking, tasting, fingering … there were little whimpers, squeals, moans, heavy breathing and sighing — no screaming, at least not yet.

“Screw this!” Clarke exclaimed. We were sitting side by side on her bed, alone in the room, I had my laptop on my lap searching the internet for an assignment, and trying not to readily react to her breathing down my neck, nibbling on my ear and kissing my face. It was hard, but I was trying.

“Huh?” I replied.

She took the computer off my lap, placing it in the chair beside the bed and pulled me towards her. Her kisses were forceful, dominating and their effect powerful. She pushed me down on the bed, her lips coming along with me, her body on top of mine. It seemed that everything was heightened in that moment and instinctive, for her hands found my breast through my sweater, marina and bra and I cupped hers, squeezing _(the retelling is making me very hot)._

I pulled her blouse down under her breasts and my mouth found their small nipples, first one then the other. I don’t remember when the tops came off, for she straddled me then, I was left in my tights and she was in her very “short” shorts. It was intoxicating and thrilling and equally intimidating and scary in the same moment.

She was reveling in the feelings and I was worried about doing something wrong or something that would turn her off. I watched her throw her head back and heard her groan slightly and I was barely touching her, my thoughts were that it was the adrenaline of ‘being’ with a girl and not necessarily me that was eliciting her responses.

“Get on top of me,” she bit out in my ear, as she let her head hang by my neck.

The positions changed and my lips quickly found hers once more, my hand kneading her breasts. I broke the kiss, kissing down her neck, chest, in between her breasts, before my lips found their tips, sucking and nibbling alternately.

My hand was somewhere I don’t know, but I know she grabbed it and directed it to the front of her panties and I delved inside. I stroked her once tentatively, she was wet beyond belief and something primal surged through me and I bit her above her breast.

My thumb found her clit, it was swollen and I pressed it down, rubbing and stroking and I lifted my head from her chest to look at her, closed eyes, lips parted, she was beautiful.

**Yours with feelings,  
A Grounded Mind In Love.**

*          *          *

**Dear Diary,**

I leaned up and placed my lips on her shoulder blade, flicked my tongue out and slightly bit her as I moved away.

 “Oh… wow,” came her response and I smiled broadly.

Her responses were classic and a complete turn on. It was an erotic rush just to look at her, torturous to be close to her without being able to touch her and orgasmic the thought of tasting her. When her roommate finally left, we laid there for a while.

She was fondling my breasts— palming them, squeezing, pinching and pressing my nipples and suckling on them— and fingering me. We found our way off the bed and she turned the lights off and backed me into the wall, it was like my fantasy come alive on me!

Her mouth found mine, my nipples and her hands were unbuttoning and pushing down my pants, her finger found my opening and paused before delving inside me. I writhed against the wall. My hands grappled for her, she was kneeling down now, wanting to place her lips where her hand had been just seconds before and I pulled her up.

“You don’t want me to?” she asked me.

I couldn’t decipher her tone because there was too much blood rushing to my brain and I was grateful the light was off because I didn’t want to see the expression on her face.

“Not yet is all,” I rasped out.

My voice was strained and wispy for I was picturing it, her lips and her tongue on me; licking, suckling on my clitoris, her fingers working up a rhythm all at the same time. I was grateful that she stopped, because I didn’t have the ability to stop anything once I started it.

She kissed up my stomach, circled my belly-button with her tongue and continued her path upwards, at the same time pulling my pants back up; the clothes were proving to be a great deterrent, but it was safer like that.

**Yours with feelings,  
A Grounded Mind In Love.**

*          *          *

**Dear Diary,**

You know those moments when it seems like your world is crashing down onto you? I know them. I have them often enough too; to clearly tell you how each will play out, in short, never well.

The thing about such moments is that they confuse you and berate you and then be an ass about it. For they tell or show you one thing, but then spend every waking moment showing you all the things you missed by the choice you made. What sucks most about such moments too, is the inevitability that they exude.

I laid in the darkness, listening to her voice, the same voice which sent shivers ricocheting through my body, on the other end of the line telling me that it was over without being a “bitch” about it.

Tears were running down my cheek, but no sound of such would be heard by her, for this was cruelty to me. I know she had stated the conditions at the beginning, she had also said that I was not supposed to fall in love with her, but truth was, she had been a little too late with that speech.

I was completely and irrevocably captivated by her already, from even before we had spoken and the day we started talking and the days that ensued had me falling and more so walking into the concept that this was a person I could love. I listened to all she was saying without really hearing – _it’s possible_ – and I replied as such, words like “fine”, “okay” and “oh” peppered my vocabulary that night as if seasoning me with my own lie.

Her words made me feel like all that had been shared between us so far had all been a lie, a sham; a badly decided experiment that would be cut before its fucking debut. To say I was sad would be underestimating my feelings, to say I was upset, would be overstating though truthfully her effect on me, simply speaking, I was in awe.

I was in awe because she had professed to be able to not care and switch off her emotions and all; hence I would have never thought her to be the one to say those things. In my head, I had always envisioned me backing out first. In my head, everything ran differently. I tried not to beg on the phone, because that would make me pathetic and weak, but all I wanted to scream at her was _“please don’t do this, don’t kill us, kill me!”_

I did not however, in order to keep any shred of pride I still possessed. I wanted to hold her, cry into her shoulder, let her squeeze me, wipe my tears, kiss my eyelids, rub my back and put me to bed. I wanted to go to sleep and wake up to the realization that the conversation we were having was not happening.

**Yours with feelings,  
A Grounded Mind In Love.**

*          *          *

**Dear Diary,**

I woke the next day with a headache that paralyzed the right half of my face for the better number of seconds in a minute. My eyes were tender making them hard to open and stay open. My neck hurt, my shoulders, overall I was feeling the effects of the _break up_. I felt utterly shitty.

I was supposed to clean the house that day, it was my weekend according to the calendar of, my housemate’s and I, events. I was not in the mood. However, I rolled out of bed, literally, catching myself before I hit the ground and proceeded to tidy my room. I made the bed, folded the sheets and changed my clothes, putting my sleepwear away.

Reaching for my headphones, I grabbed my phone and made my way into the hallway, steering towards the kitchen. I would start there first. I moved slowly and methodically, Anya, my housemate had started the Sunday cooking and I chatted with her in sporadic monotones throughout my cleaning haze.

I was in a haze; I was really trapped in a cloud of epitomized blackness that had started because I had gone into the classroom that day and decided that her voice alone would make me seek out and even build mountains just to move them if she asked.

I decided then I believe that regardless of being hurt or not being hurt or if she was protecting my feelings or not that I would not be a coward or let her be one either and give in and give up on what we had. I had accepted that we would never go public and hence her having a boyfriend had not deterred me.

What I could not accept was her destroying everything before it was completely solidified and grounded in a friendship that would be able to withstand the effects. I had also accepted that one day we would have to stop, but I could not accept that now was that time already.

**Yours with feelings,  
A Grounded Mind In Love.**

*          *          *

**Dear Diary,**

I had it all planned out in my head, the night was supposed to be memorable defined; food, music, movies, quiet and alone time.

_We arrived at my house some minutes to 8 o’clock. It was dark and cold and she leaned into my back as I opened the door. I flicked on the light switch, ushered her inside and closed the door behind me, locking the grill and padlock in place as I did so. I switched on lights as I went through the house and turned the key in my door to let her into my room._

_Anya had already left for the weekend. We were alone. I whooped silently as I made my way back to the halls, to switch off the lights. I turned around in the darkness, to feel her hands on me, pulling me, scratching at me, squeezing me. I led her back to the room, the moment the door was closed, she was on me, backing me into the wall; licking and biting down my neck, my hands were grabbing at her waist, my fingers roving her entire form._

_She pulled my face down to hers and our lips crashed hungrily onto each other. Her mouth was soft, warm, moist, her lips were full, supple, sweet, she was a siren to me; she called not only to my nerve endings, but she whispered to my soul, my blood, my heart’s desire. I yearned for her completely, I palmed her breast and heard her groan, she bit my bottom lip and I moaned._

“You need to show me where the stuff is for me to cook for you,” she said when she placed her bags in the room. Reality was a bitch, because none of that happened and to top it all off our getting hot and heavy would be cut to a minimum because Mother Nature had chosen to gift me that same day.

**Yours with feelings,  
A Grounded Mind In Love.**

*          *          *

**Dear Diary,**

I have not written anything in ages, partly because I cannot pen and put into words accurately all the things, wonderful, golden and even tearful that have happened. The first weekend when she was here was awesome despite and though going home that weekend had me shaking, for I was in awe of her body and distracted for the entire time.

Her birthday weekend was golden. I have never done something like that for anyone before, never literally gone out of my way or put much thought into an effort. We were “rock stars” that weekend, we were wild, fierce, aggressive, and getting into the groove of each other, we were I believe completely “stripped.”

For the most part everything is going great; everything between us is so open, so free, and so unreal that it is ridiculous. I am the most intimate I have been in my whole life and I am good at it. Imagine that! Who would have thought, that I Lexa Woods could have done it? Thing is, that is not the question. Question is who would have thought that I would love her?

We were always together, always on the phone, always texting, always in contact with each other. Nowadays, she was always at my house too. The days sort of gelled into each other, I could not tell when she came all I knew is that her departure was simply unbearable.

Every time we parted company, I felt a piece of me stay. Every time we had to cut short our time together or put it on hold till later, I felt something in me scream. Every time we were not together, I would literally have to kill my thoughts, for fear of them running off to a place of loneliness and sadness that would be overbearing or selfish if she were to hear them.

Simply, I could not cope if she was not around and it took all my willpower to function when she was, for I always wanted to be touching her, stroking her, kissing her, biting her, breathing in her scent, taking in her expressions, being the only thing for her to focus on.

I do not know what she thinks half the time and it often scares me to ask, because an expression will flitter across her face so swiftly and unconsciously that I think I may have imagined it.

She on the other hand, is queen at hiding her wants. I remember touching her once and she made no sound, her breathing remained the same, and there was not even an intake of a raspy breath. Another time, she literally moved my hand and turned away and with all of this, I want her even more, because I want to punish her for turning me on and not allowing me to do as pleasure would have me do.

I have been the most sexually frustrated I have in my entire life, something inside me has been loosed and all I can think about all of the time is her. Her body, her mouth warm and sweet, her lips soft and pliant, her tongue forceful and invading, her breasts that beckon to me, her pussy tight and hot and wet, that closes around my finger and makes me go wild with the scent and feel of her.

All I can think of are her eyes that see through my bullshit, her smiles that light me up, her moans that encourage me, her groans that grip me, her whimpers and squeals that turn me on. Her tight holds on my body that leave me shaky, her nails biting into my skin, her head thrown back, her hair askew and her trying always to overpower me so she can make me go as crazy as she is.

All I can think about, all the time is how much I want her, how much I yearn for her, crave her body and wish that it were mine. Thoughts of her are the only thing that plague my mind on a daily basis. How I can make her smile, how I can make her comfortable, safe and satisfied. How I can be to her the most selfless and best friend she has ever had and would ever need, how I can fulfill any role or position that she would need me to. How I can just be what she needs.

Most of the times, the thing about what we have that scares me the most is how transitory it feels. Sometimes, I think that her boyfriend is going to replace it. In my head, the minute they have sex and its great, my “services” are going to become redundant.

Sometimes I look at her and wonder if the faraway look on her face is because she wants to be with him instead. Sometimes I wonder if when we are having sex she thinks of how sex with him will be. Sometimes I wonder if I am just an intermittent satisfaction for her sexual needs.

Sometimes I wonder if what I do for her will be enough one day or if someone else will be able to do it and may be even better than me. I know that our relationship is not based on sex, but sometimes I wonder what will happen if that element should disappear.

I fear that after the holidays everything may change. I fear that the way she likes me and sees me now will change. I fear that she might change. I fear that she will not need me as much as I need her. I fear that she will not want to be around me as often so much. I fear that one day what we share will be cut and I will not be spared, for it is harder to cope when you have dedicated your all.

I fear that one day, push is going to come to shove, she may have to make a decision, and I will not be her choice. I fear that on that day, I am going to die forever. It will not be a physical death, and that is worse, for I will have grown cold, hard, distant, callous, cruel, and emotionally dead that no one will ever cross those barriers again.

I fear that I will not be able to manage without her, for just the thought of her inspires me and keeps me sane and calm and going. I fear that one day my worst fears may come true, my words and judgements may get the better of me, my nightmares may come to life and the monsters that go bump in the night will finally find me and do to me very evil but deserving things.

I fear that one day I may lose her both physically and mentally. Such a war I would not survive and I would not try to survive either, because coping without her is a hollow and lonely way to go.

**Yours with feelings,  
A Grounded Mind In Love.**

**Author's Note:**

> So what did you guys think?  
> This is actually a real story I had written back in 2011 that I converted to a Clexa fic. I found it on my computer today and I was like WTH. Why not right?  
> In the story Lexa portrays me and Clarke an ex of mine. Things didn't end with Happily Ever After at all.
> 
> HMU on Tumblr @aleksa_grey


End file.
